Kelley went on a cruise of the Mexican Riviera with her family that was supposed to take ten days, but she couldn’t bear to be away from her boyfriend for that long. So she did what we all do when we’re homesick – she issued terrorist threats. She crafted two letters in which she calmly and rationally explained that if the ship docked, all 2,400 passengers and crew aboard would die.

Now – Kelley. How are you going to get back to your boyfriend, peanut, if you’re not going to let the ship dock? I guess love just knows no bounds. Or Kelley watched one too many I Love Lucy episodes. Needless to report, 120 military personnel boarded the ship and found Kelley crying into a payphone, “I love you too, Googly-bear.” And now she’s being held in Orange County, California – which is great! Because that’s where her boyfriend lives! It all worked out!

I have to admit, issuing terrorist threats got me out of some unhappy sleepover situations as a child. I can remember one lonely night at Justine Mittelman’s birthday slumber party. We had enjoyed an evening of Night of the Living Dead and Flashdance and petty inner clique girl warfare and everyone started to unroll their Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bags to go to sleep. But all I knew was I wanted to go home – NOW. So I did what Kelley Marie Ferguson and countless other resourceful desperate gals have done time and again – I wrote a terrorist threat and left it in the bathroom. “Call Kelsey’s mom to come get her or the birthday infidels die.”